When I feel bad and insecure - I ask for permission to live my life.
Either way, I am tethered to others well-being, sense of self, approval, insert other words here...
I need a big pair of scissors.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Good Bad - both must change
When I feel good and confident - I stop and wait for people I care about, to catch up to my life.
When I feel bad and insecure - I ask for permission to live my life.
Either way, I am tethered to others well-being, sense of self, approval, insert other words here...
I need a big pair of scissors.
When I feel bad and insecure - I ask for permission to live my life.
Either way, I am tethered to others well-being, sense of self, approval, insert other words here...
I need a big pair of scissors.
Maybe someone is listening
Sometimes I pick up a bible to see if I can draw any comfort or insight....sort of like a Magic 8 Ball.
yeah...with similar results....
I told another friend about this blog. That makes two people.
One, I am hoping never sees it and the new one was very sweet and helpful. Told me I should privatize because I mentioned names.
Well, I went and changed the names to protect the innocent. Not sure if I did a good enough job.
I don't want to privatize cuz the whole point of this thing is to help me get comfortable in sharing my thoughts more openly...well, more comfortable with expressing the part of me that isn't the calm, logical, voice of reason that I have deluded myself into thinking I am...I just want to express myself, no matter how odd, with confidence and without doubting it and cringing later about what I said...worrying that people will find out who the "real me" is and not like me...
Hence the fake name, persona and cryptic writing...
Monday, April 15, 2013
Sunday, April 14, 2013
No One Is Watching...hit the publish button...do it...
MOney kills drive
Krysty - I don't have family to suppport me
MT - driven
God makes us dream but won't let us sleep...wha?
God makes us dream, but won't set us free
God calls us dance to songs we can't hear
I could live out her legacy...but not, make it mine
i've never gone for the $.
Quality of life
NK - if you gave me a resume that said R&D looking for a director job, I wold hire you for an R&D position
KK, JM - differnt catagory...very smart business people
NK, PM, MT - visionary (CR, Laura) too!
Robert Stevens, too
Some have the support of husband who make s$ so she can pursue dream
MT had to support her to pursue her dream.
It's just me. No husband. I'm like the dude..
But I want that...just like at 13 when I found Peter Frampton - I didn't want to be his lover/girlfriend..I wanted to be his peer..him
Same at 1997 - I wanted to be bigger than AZ..bigger than PM - not just the girlfriend..no...
I want my freedom.
Do not want to spend the rest of my life, quietly fading away....
Krysty - I don't have family to suppport me
MT - driven
God makes us dream but won't let us sleep...wha?
God makes us dream, but won't set us free
God calls us dance to songs we can't hear
I could live out her legacy...but not, make it mine
i've never gone for the $.
Quality of life
NK - if you gave me a resume that said R&D looking for a director job, I wold hire you for an R&D position
KK, JM - differnt catagory...very smart business people
NK, PM, MT - visionary (CR, Laura) too!
Robert Stevens, too
Some have the support of husband who make s$ so she can pursue dream
MT had to support her to pursue her dream.
It's just me. No husband. I'm like the dude..
But I want that...just like at 13 when I found Peter Frampton - I didn't want to be his lover/girlfriend..I wanted to be his peer..him
Same at 1997 - I wanted to be bigger than AZ..bigger than PM - not just the girlfriend..no...
I want my freedom.
Do not want to spend the rest of my life, quietly fading away....
Obnoxious
Aren't these background colours obnoxious? Hot Magenta and Brothel Red...this is how I feel inside right now.
I am so sick of everything right now.
I have been trying to change some design elements on a blog that I use for business and NOTHING will fing change on it.
But on this silly blog, all changes excepted.
Both my parents are losing it. (minds..dementia)
I ran out of money because of my co-dependent nature. (trying to save my mom's business)
I am allegedly being offered a new job for between 80k-100k but nothing is firm.
OR should I completely dig in and take over the business that is to be handed to me but nothing is legal or on paper.
My good friend says that NOTHING is legal till on paper...well, duh...BUT Miss Co-dependent here is still willing to believe.
WTF is going on here!
And then this morning, in my bathroom, I take a beautiful ceramic hook down that was on a loose nail. I say to myself,
"Better just take it down, Ivana, till you can put a molly in the wall and secure it properly. I'd hate that beautiful hook to fall on your head or WORSE, break."
Take hook down, place on radiator on top of towel.
"There you go, Ivana, being responsible is such a great feeling."
Come back just moments later, pick up the towel that I had inadvertently put on top of the hook on top of the radiator and what happens? You guessed it.
The fing hook falls to tiled floor and BREAKS AND the fing pieces are under the radiator so I reach for them, and CUT MY THUMB!
GODDAMMIT!!!!!
WHAT THE FING IS GOING ON HERE???
Why did I spend all my money on a business that I do not own?
I didn't create the mess but my whole life has changed because of it!
I get hopeful when I think of the future of it, then I get distraught, not believing, then this job offer comes along..now, not before of course, but NOW.
I'm sick of these nebulous options.
"be quiet and listen to your inner guidance..."
WELL FING THAT! I need some LOUD, SOUND ADVICE!
I am so sick of everything right now.
I have been trying to change some design elements on a blog that I use for business and NOTHING will fing change on it.
But on this silly blog, all changes excepted.
Both my parents are losing it. (minds..dementia)
I ran out of money because of my co-dependent nature. (trying to save my mom's business)
I am allegedly being offered a new job for between 80k-100k but nothing is firm.
OR should I completely dig in and take over the business that is to be handed to me but nothing is legal or on paper.
My good friend says that NOTHING is legal till on paper...well, duh...BUT Miss Co-dependent here is still willing to believe.
WTF is going on here!
And then this morning, in my bathroom, I take a beautiful ceramic hook down that was on a loose nail. I say to myself,
"Better just take it down, Ivana, till you can put a molly in the wall and secure it properly. I'd hate that beautiful hook to fall on your head or WORSE, break."
Take hook down, place on radiator on top of towel.
"There you go, Ivana, being responsible is such a great feeling."
Come back just moments later, pick up the towel that I had inadvertently put on top of the hook on top of the radiator and what happens? You guessed it.
The fing hook falls to tiled floor and BREAKS AND the fing pieces are under the radiator so I reach for them, and CUT MY THUMB!
GODDAMMIT!!!!!
WHAT THE FING IS GOING ON HERE???
Why did I spend all my money on a business that I do not own?
I didn't create the mess but my whole life has changed because of it!
I get hopeful when I think of the future of it, then I get distraught, not believing, then this job offer comes along..now, not before of course, but NOW.
I'm sick of these nebulous options.
"be quiet and listen to your inner guidance..."
WELL FING THAT! I need some LOUD, SOUND ADVICE!
Friday, April 5, 2013
Phone test, Hunty..is there more?
I hope so..I'm getting it...well this blog thing that is. I got it yesterday and feel hopeful for today.
blog or die
i think that's what we're getting down too now.
i wanted to be able to blog my little heart out but i've told.some people about this blog and feel like i can't say all that i want at times. Maybe i knew on some level it would be hard to write my complete and full truth....some t, some shade.
i would like to.get over that.
i wanted to be able to blog my little heart out but i've told.some people about this blog and feel like i can't say all that i want at times. Maybe i knew on some level it would be hard to write my complete and full truth....some t, some shade.
i would like to.get over that.
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