Saturday, August 17, 2013

NIght got better last night

Well last night was almost a DISASTER!
Not only was I uncomfortable with group but they arrived in an OPEN AIR JEEP...
I changed my clothes, let every one know how miserable I was. They all tried to please me and cater to my mood. After a tense ride to the restaurant and a top-shelf margarita I came around...

.... and then realized how much these people love me...

Friday, August 16, 2013

3 posts in one day...a new record. A TRIO...

Well, I'm trying my new contact lenses and it's quite a tricky task..more on that later.

Right now, I am mentally trying to prepare myself for an evening with a group of people whom, individually I am comfortable with, but as a group...not so much.
I'm not 100% comfortable with them individually, come to think of it.

One of them, I am, mostly, until later the substances kick in..then it's a bit one-sided but that's not all the time my experience.
The other I just don't know that well and the other has lied to me so many times, I just take what is said with a grain of salt.

Now...why am I hanging out with this group?

Good Bad - both must change

When I feel good and confident - I stop and wait for people I care about, to catch up to my life.
When I feel bad and insecure -  I ask for permission to live my life.

Either way, I am tethered to others well-being, sense of self, approval, insert other words here...

I need a big pair of scissors.

Maybe someone is listening

Sometimes I pick up a bible to see if I can draw any comfort or insight....sort of like a Magic 8 Ball.
yeah...with similar results....

I told another friend about this blog. That makes two people.
One, I am hoping never sees it and the new one was very sweet and helpful. Told me I should privatize because I mentioned names.
Well, I went and changed the names to protect the innocent. Not sure if I did a good enough job.
I don't want to privatize cuz the whole point of this thing is to help me get comfortable in sharing my thoughts more openly...well, more comfortable with expressing the part of me that isn't the calm, logical, voice of reason that I have deluded myself into thinking I am...I just want to express myself, no matter how odd, with confidence and without doubting it and cringing later about what I said...worrying that people will find out who the "real me" is and not like me... 
Hence the fake name, persona and cryptic writing...