Saturday, August 17, 2013

NIght got better last night

Well last night was almost a DISASTER!
Not only was I uncomfortable with group but they arrived in an OPEN AIR JEEP...
I changed my clothes, let every one know how miserable I was. They all tried to please me and cater to my mood. After a tense ride to the restaurant and a top-shelf margarita I came around...

.... and then realized how much these people love me...

Friday, August 16, 2013

3 posts in one day...a new record. A TRIO...

Well, I'm trying my new contact lenses and it's quite a tricky task..more on that later.

Right now, I am mentally trying to prepare myself for an evening with a group of people whom, individually I am comfortable with, but as a group...not so much.
I'm not 100% comfortable with them individually, come to think of it.

One of them, I am, mostly, until later the substances kick in..then it's a bit one-sided but that's not all the time my experience.
The other I just don't know that well and the other has lied to me so many times, I just take what is said with a grain of salt.

Now...why am I hanging out with this group?

Good Bad - both must change

When I feel good and confident - I stop and wait for people I care about, to catch up to my life.
When I feel bad and insecure -  I ask for permission to live my life.

Either way, I am tethered to others well-being, sense of self, approval, insert other words here...

I need a big pair of scissors.

Maybe someone is listening

Sometimes I pick up a bible to see if I can draw any comfort or insight....sort of like a Magic 8 Ball.
yeah...with similar results....

I told another friend about this blog. That makes two people.
One, I am hoping never sees it and the new one was very sweet and helpful. Told me I should privatize because I mentioned names.
Well, I went and changed the names to protect the innocent. Not sure if I did a good enough job.
I don't want to privatize cuz the whole point of this thing is to help me get comfortable in sharing my thoughts more openly...well, more comfortable with expressing the part of me that isn't the calm, logical, voice of reason that I have deluded myself into thinking I am...I just want to express myself, no matter how odd, with confidence and without doubting it and cringing later about what I said...worrying that people will find out who the "real me" is and not like me... 
Hence the fake name, persona and cryptic writing...

Monday, April 15, 2013

Sunday, April 14, 2013

No One Is Watching...hit the publish it...

MOney kills drive

Krysty - I don't have family to suppport me

MT -  driven

God makes us dream but won't let us sleep...wha?
God makes us dream, but won't set us free
God calls us dance to songs we can't hear

I could live out her legacy...but not, make it mine

i've never gone for the $.

Quality of life

NK - if you gave me a resume that said R&D  looking for a director job, I wold hire you for an R&D position

KK, JM - differnt catagory...very smart business people

NK, PM, MT - visionary (CR, Laura) too!

Robert Stevens, too

Some have the support of husband who make s$ so she can pursue dream
MT had  to support her to pursue her dream.

It's just me. No husband. I'm like the dude..

But I want that...just like at 13 when I found Peter Frampton - I didn't want to be his lover/girlfriend..I wanted to be his peer..him

Same at 1997 - I wanted to be bigger than AZ..bigger than PM - not just the

I want my freedom.

Do not want to spend the rest of my life, quietly fading away....


Aren't these background colours obnoxious? Hot Magenta and Brothel Red...this is how I feel inside right now.
I am so sick of everything right now. 
I have been trying to change some design elements on a blog that I use for business and NOTHING will fing change on it.
But on this silly blog, all changes excepted.

Both my parents are losing it. (minds..dementia)

I ran out of money because of my co-dependent nature. (trying to save my mom's business)
I am allegedly being offered a new job for between 80k-100k but nothing is firm.
OR should I completely dig in and take over the business that is to be handed to me but nothing is legal or on paper.
My good friend says that NOTHING is legal till on paper...well, duh...BUT Miss Co-dependent here is still willing to believe.

WTF is going on here! 
And then this morning, in my bathroom, I take a beautiful ceramic hook down that was on a loose nail. I say to myself,
"Better just take it down, Ivana, till you can put a molly in the wall and secure it properly. I'd hate that beautiful hook to fall on your head or WORSE, break."
Take hook down, place on radiator on top of towel.
"There you go, Ivana, being responsible is such a great feeling."

Come back just moments later, pick up the towel that I had inadvertently put on top of the hook on top of the radiator and what happens? You guessed it.
The fing hook falls to tiled floor and BREAKS AND the fing pieces are under the radiator so I reach for them, and CUT MY THUMB!

Why did I spend all my money on a business that I do not own?
I didn't create the mess but my whole life has changed because of it!

I get hopeful when I think of the future of it, then I get distraught, not believing, then this job offer comes, not before of course, but NOW.

I'm sick of these nebulous options. 
"be quiet and listen to your inner guidance..."


Friday, April 5, 2013

Phone test, there more?

I hope so..I'm getting it...well this blog thing that is. I got it yesterday and feel hopeful for today.

blog or die

i think that's what we're getting down too now.
i wanted to be able to blog my little heart out but i've told.some people about this blog and feel like i can't say all that i want at times. Maybe i knew on some level it would be hard to write my complete and full truth....some t, some shade.
i would like to.get over that.

Friday, March 1, 2013

TESTes again - can't load video

Load! Dammit! Load!

(that's pillow talk to some)

I keep forgetting to blog.
Soon I'll change the background colour ~

I'm not depressed right now, but there's always tomorrow...we live in eager anticipation....

Video STILL not loading!


Check it out!

Friday, February 15, 2013

Can't get out of my head....


I can have so many ideas but no will to execute them?

My imagination tortures me...

"god makes us dream but won't set us free,
god calls us dance to songs we can't hear."
-David Byrne and Selena

I don't want people I know to read my blog....and I still hate saying that word...


Momentum - see definition #2...look it up! I can't do everything for you!

A quick one to inspire me to do more. Just the physical act of something can remove inertia...although that is not my problem with this blog.

I think I'll change the colour and pics too. The ones from previous blog are soooooo corny! Cornball, cornish, cornosity inCORNporated!

Just a pic of someone I admire...

And some of my master dp work...that's Director of Photography, just so you don't go expecting too much....

More to come...

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Ok..for now...

All right. That just about did me in..but I do like the way it looks. Sort of, New Orleans Bordello in honour of Mardi Gras and Valentines Day. 

I'm a little too pooped to throw any shade right now. Actually maybe I'm a little too shy, but as I get better at this....*ahem*...blogging (god, I hate that word and any of it's derivatives)...I hope to build the courage to express myself freely.

Time for a WINTER MOJITO...ta for now and don't forget to enjoy yourselves!

Well, I better get started....

I'm trying to set up this damn thing and it's very trying already...but I WILL persevere! That's what I do. I'm only disappointed that my very first foray into the new social media world will be a bit sloppy. By the way, I simply detest the word "blog".

All right then, here I go. Let's get this show on the road!